Hot Dog Appreciation Day: Cage Match Edition

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard we took out rival billboards asking drivers to vote on which of us has the better ass. So many people died on that highway, but as a species, we came out of it richer. But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where everything is served with ranch even -- and especially -- ranch.

Sissyneck also remembers the time he had car trouble and relied on the kindness of strangers.

We think it’s nice he calls them meth people, and makes no judgments about their interests (meth), hobbies (meth), or professions (meth). Let’s move on to The Comments! A celebrity dropped by our site last month!

Thank you for the comment we think it’s hilarious please do more. This is 1900HOTDOG the site with the article about that crazy book.

Thank you for the comment we think it’s hilarious please do more. This is 1900HOTDOG the site with the article about that crazy book.

Chris “Ace” Hendrix stumbles across the next billion dollar cinematic universe...

While Sarah and Pem witness the glory of William Todd’s furious crime rampage and also stumble across the next billion dollar cinematic universe...

Flippant Sausage defines a good podcast (one with collateral damage) and it turns out we make the cut! In several ways! In every episode!

Professional Hot Doggist Brendan McGinley accidentally reveals the site’s 15 year business plan and will be destroyed for it.

Christopher Horne discovers the real acronym for the Vatican’s L.U.C.I.F.E.R. telescope.

Twice!

Somehow both are correct.

Jeff Orasky has cracked the secret recipe for Dolemite Milkshakes -- his life’s work! We are actually down with this meal replacement plan.

Now let’s move on to The Discord.

First up, it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

He’s actually crafted an entire army of secret apes that are only triggered through predetermined trap phrases, and he spends his free time ambushing posters with his endless themed apes.

Right now it’s just a Discord bit, but we all know gellaho’s just a budget increase away from being a Batman villain.

Also Merry Cursemas! That’s right, no “happy holidays” here. We’re not afraid to say it -- this is Cursemas season and Cursemas season only.

That’s the Hot Dog Discord’s name for the twice yearly holiday where we send out cursed items to all the Hot Dog Supremes. And this was a bountiful Cursemas indeed. Let us all give thanks to Randy Quaid, the god of processed meats, for these gifts.

Between these “care” packages and the twice-yearly T-shirts, our Hot Dog Supreme tier gets unholy objects from us about every three months -- that’s nowhere near enough time for all the cleansing rituals needed to store them. We’re aware of that. That’s on purpose.

Javo brings us the hottest boy band of 2003, where every member is the bad boy.

But hold on, what’s this? Djonin spotted something important...

Nobody tell Phil Elmore. He will absolutely buy and wear Dante’s coat. And the pants. And the not-shirt.

In fact, this is a good time to bring up the regular scholarly discourse on the Hot Dog Discord. All of Djonin and Javo’s conversations are this salient and important.

Fatamatician remembers, with perfect clarity, the actual commercial jingle they aired for Dr. Cream’s Skin Care Solutions.

FancyShark remembers, with perfect clarity, the actual commercial jingle they aired for PoxCo Consumer-Grade Cleaning Whiskey.

Mo brings us a Meat Parade, weeks in advance of the scheduled one we can’t get any permits for!

Naturally, this calls for a song. No, a whole song. A whole, spontaneous Discord-wide musical number.

Hey, listen, Metalinside, you can’t tell the cops this but… sometimes casual vandalism is very funny and good.

Thanks to Gellaho, many cursed books make their way through the Hot Dog Discord’s Book Dorks channel. Perhaps we have found their king. Are at least the one that rails the queen.

Look how often Mo is popping up in this post! It’s been a banner month for Mo, but they really need something to clinch it. To go in for the pin, so to speak...

Oh, oh this requires a deep dive. Zoom. ENHANCE.

That’s actually Brendan up front, we’ve been assured that Jason Pargin is not at all a hulking maniac who wears green armor.

No, his is purple.

That’s Jason’s supermove: a horse dick-kicking combo of destruction. Mo went all out here, not only designing the whole Hot Dog Crew as wrestlers, but all of our themed moves. Seanbaby’s Muay Thai-

Brockway’s patented Wheelbarrow Suplex-

That devastating clothesline Lydia Bugg always gets us with-

Every time, Lydia! Every time you yell that the Bagel Bites are ready just to get us to run into the hall, when all that’s really hot and ready for our mouths is the inside of your forearm.

And who can forget Brendan McGinley’s patented backbreaker? Certainly not Glenn Danzig, who is now confined to a haunted wheelchair. It’s got little live bats tied to it. His spirits are pretty high -- he’s being very Danzig about the whole thing, honestly.

We were going to pick a winner, but then Mo jumped the ropes, slammed us to the mat, and took the belt. Congratulations, Mo! We no longer say you will take possession of the world’s most treasured piece of art, this prince portrait:

We instead say that it is your job to appease and soothe the Prince portrait for a time, lest its wrath turn on the world. Our previous winner, Conk of the Wonk, accidentally let it look in a mirror and fathom the true depth of what has been done to it. It’s better not to speak of the things the Prince portrait did to him, but let us just say: That is not the snake’s original dong.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll introduce ‘em to the meanest tag team this side of a bad dream, the wrecking crew that’ll run wild on you, the nitrates that learned to hate, the Sausage Party With Special Guest Lydia Bugg! We’re working on the name… but we still bring the pain! OOO YEAH.

...

If these images are borked, read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.